


Cynophobia

by PatchworkIdeas



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Fili helps Kili through it, Fili is a calm and supportive presence through it all, Graphic descriptions of, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, aftermath of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28934688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatchworkIdeas/pseuds/PatchworkIdeas
Summary: Kili’s afraid of dogs, but he’s in love with Fili. Who, apparently, has a whole pack of them. What’s a lovesick fool to do?
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Cynophobia

There were dogs on Fili’s property.

A lot of dogs.

They were safely kept inside by the fence, but, well, they were large dogs. Who said they couldn’t jump over or dig under or just burst through to maul him or bite him to death?

But it was _Fili!_

They shared several College courses and they got on like a house on fire and if Kili was absolutely honest with himself - which he tried to be and which frequently got him in trouble - he was a little bit in love with him.

Or maybe even a little bit more.

But… dogs. Why did it have to be dogs? Not cats, fluffy murder balls that they were, or loud mouthed birds or even weird and kinda terrifying snakes?

Anything, anything but dogs.

His side pulsed again, an old pain that had long healed but was never quite forgotten, when Fili turned around, the gate between himself and those beasts wide open. 

Right. Studying. At Fili’s home. He had wanted this, hadn’t he? Had almost jumped for joy. Just him and Fili.

And dogs. Lots and lots and lots of big, hairy dogs with sharp teeth and a nose that could smell fear.

He should run. Make an excuse. Tell the truth. Anything.

But he liked Fili. Really, really, really liked Fili, and Fili wouldn’t have so many of those things in his garden if he didn’t love dogs.

Kili took a deep breath, made a prayer and a mental last will, and stepped through the gate.

-

“Are you okay? You’re shaking - are you cold? Not feeling well?” Fili didn’t wait for the answer, only a fool couldn’t see how pale Kili was, how cold sweat sat on his brow. He looked seconds away from fainting.

Instead Fili quickly collected some covers and pulled them around Kili, getting even more worried when his friend hardly reacted. Mentally going through all it could be, and anything he had at home that might help, he settled on rose hip tea - good for both body and soul. Fili’s mother always made it, fresh from the garden, when Fili had been sick and it would hopefully work just as well for Kili. 

Shooing Merlin away so he wouldn’t try to beg for food again, he kept a careful look at Kili while hastily preparing the tea. Microwaved water wasn’t quite as good, and he couldn’t do it too hot for safety reasons, but it was faster and whatever was going on with Kili looked like it happened fast.

He tried asking for seizures, allergies, if he needed an ambulance, and it was only the latter that got through the wordless gaping, the wide eyes. A minute shake of the head, a stuttered “no” so quiet Fili barely caught it.

He brought him the tea, but Kili made no move to take it, no sound, eyes glued to the floor. 

No. Glued to Rita?

The husky had curled around Kili almost as soon as he had sat down, friendly as always and hoping for a good scratching and petting. Except that Kili was sick, seemingly stuck somewhere from the way he shivered, his eyes wide and unseeing. 

Rita meanwhile had noticed his friends distress, sat up and tried to lick his face like she did Fili’s whenever he was sad. He had tried to get her to stop, but he suspected she knew the attempt was halfhearted. Gross as it was, it never failed to get him laughing.

Kili didn’t laugh. He shrieked, and jumped forward. Fili only just managed to get the tea out of the way before his friend was on him, all but climbing him like a tree, holding so tight Fili thought he might suffocate.

 _That_ got the rest of his merry band running, some growling, worried, and the way Kili hyperventilated, the high pitched whine coming from him - a noise Fili hadn’t even known humans could make - sparked a horrible suspicion.

With a decisive gesture and bark he ordered the dogs outside, repeating it once, harsher, when Chester and Jack, the most protective of his pack, didn’t immediately listen. Fili was the alpha, without question, and if he was right he needed this situation contained now or it would only get infinitely worse.

Luckily, Fili knew exactly what he was doing, and his dogs trusted him. They went, reluctantly, with a grumble - probably waiting just outside the door for any sign of distress from Fili - but they went.

Now to Kili.

Trying to shush him and carefully extracting himself from the iron grip he hugged Kili close instead, voice steady and soft, the way he might talk to a wounded animal in a trap.

He didn’t know how long it took, too intent on trying to calm his friend down, get his breathing down so he wouldn’t faint from the fright, but these things needed time, and Fili was better equipped to handle these situations than most.

His mother might have taught him which herbs could heal both body and soul, but his father had shown him to win an animals trust to free it out of deadly traps. Fili had taken to it like a fish to water, no animal he couldn’t calm. He had the right energy, and he had always been patient. This wasn’t so different.

Eventually, Kili’s breathing calmed to almost normal, and the shakes were only due to the sobs that had taken over Kili’s body, all that stress needing a release.

Fili didn’t let go, only held him close through it all, thoughtless noises of love and comfort leaving his throat.

Why hadn’t Kili told him? Sure, fear of dogs wasn’t exactly common, but it wouldn’t have been hard to keep them outside - or to study at Kili’s even. This pain could have been avoided. Fili’s heart went out to Kili, as much as his brain was trying to figure out the missing piece. Kili wasn’t an idiot after all, and with everything they had shared about their hopes and dreams and fears, he doubted it was a lack of trust either.

But that mystery could wait - would have to. Kili needed him more.

-

The fall was always the hardest, almost worst then the panic itself.  
He was held close and safe in strong arms - which would be nice, normally.  
He was covered in snot and his body hurt and ached down to his core, his brain trying to explode out of his skull after all the crying he did.  
Crying on Fili.  
Fuck.

Kili had tried. He had tried so, so hard. To be normal, to not be afraid, to just ignore the animals and hope they would give him the same courtesy.

He had tried, and he had failed, and Fili would have every reason to hate him.

The tears came again, hot and heavy, his throat closing down and choking him - but Fili only pulled him closer, pulled his face up until their foreheads met and softly repeated:

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s all okay. You're safe. No one will hurt you here. You’re save with me.”

The litany, repeats of the same message again and again, together with warm arms around him and eyes that never lost their kindness, managed to calm the onset of the second panic attack - now for quiet different reasons - and get him at least on somewhat stabler ground. But still, the moment Kili felt like he could breathe again, like his voice might obey him again, his thoughts slipped out, unbidden and unwelcome, painful emotions and doubts given voice.

“I’m so sorry. I tried. I swear I tried, I’m sorry, please don’t hate me. I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s just fear, we all have that. I could never hate you. Ever. So don’t worry about a thing and just take as much time as you need. I’ll be here.”

The laugh that left Kili’s throat was half sob, but he had never felt more grateful or conflicted before. He wanted to believe Fili, so much, but the left over fear still ran through his veins, his thoughts screaming and running in circles, and it was all he could do to hold on, to not lose himself among the chaos.

Yes, he hated panic attacks - but he hated the feeling that came after even more.

-

It was dark by the time Fili had coaxed Kili down enough to let go. The exhaustion was obvious, eyes barely open and fine shivers still running through his frame. Kili was a mess. Luckily, Fili had plenty of time to consider his options and gently coaxed Kili up, arms around him to help him walk.

“Close your eyes for me. I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

And Kili did, too exhausted to question most likely, reacting to his tone more than his words.

Carefully Fili helped him out of the dinning room and up the stairs, his free arm sharply held out with the “Stay” gesture to prevent a sudden stampede.  
By the time Fili had maneuvered him into the bed and removed Kili’s shoes he was out like a light.

Kili would, hopefully, stay that way for quite a while.

Fili had a pack to reassure, a carpet to clean - if it wasn’t already ruined. He knew tricks to deal with stains, had to with so many dogs about, well behaved as they were, but none had ever been left for so long before - and plans to make for when Kili woke up.

And studying. Always studying.

Perhaps, just this once, he could forgo that. It had been a long day and he needed a long, comforting soak himself. Or, failing that, at least a quick shower.

-

Kili wasn’t sure if it was the gentle lamp light that woke him, or the quiet sound of pages turned.  
A quick look, squinting against the light and against the headache, revealed Fili by his side, hair wet and putting away the book he had been reading.  
A second revealed that he was in a bedroom, pictures of unfamiliar faces and landscapes and animals adorning the walls.  
Fili’s bedroom.

“How are you feeling?” Fili asked him, before Kili’s apology could slip out. He considered lying, pretending to be fine, but at this point he had no dignity or chance left anymore anyway, as nice as Fili might have been about the whole thing.

“Like I’ve been run over, several times, just to make sure they got me good.”

Fili chuckled, a glass of water and painkillers already at hand. He was a saint, and Kili had no idea how someone like Fili could exist, and he was too tired to contemplate it further. 

Kili was just grateful. Grateful and miserable. He hated when he overestimated himself and things went south faster than he could blink.

“Do you feel up to talking about what happened? Or would you prefer not to?”

Hesitating over his water, the soft covers warm under his fidgeting fingers, Kili figured Fili probably deserved an answer, as much as he didn’t like to give it.

“I was bitten, when I was younger. I don’t even remember what kind of dog it was, just the barking and the teeth and the pain. Still have the scars. Was lucky to survive. I know most dogs aren’t like that, but I just… freeze. I’m sorry. I really am.”

“It makes sense, and fear isn’t rational anyway. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me, or told me you couldn’t come in. Did I do anything to make you feel you couldn’t?” 

Fili leaned forward, eyes earnest, hurt masked but not fully hidden.  
Perhaps that was why Kili blurted out: “No, of course not! I just- I didn’t want-I-”  
Closing his eyes, Kili counted to ten. It wouldn’t help anymore, but Fili deserved the truth after everything. Even if Kili couldn’t bring himself to look at him while he admitted it.

“You must really love dogs, and I- I really like you. I didn’t want you to think less of me for not being able to be close to them. And I was really happy about studying with you, about the time we spent together, and I didn’t want that to stop! But how could we if I can’t even visit you?! How can I have any chance if I can’t even pet your dogs or at least not _freeze_ and I thought- I thought-  
I thought I could handle it. For you. I’m sorry.”

The last was so quiet that he wasn’t even sure if Fili had heard, but he didn’t have the energy to try to repeat himself. Instead he curled himself in a ball, trying to face the thought of going home on his own, alone with his failures, and of afternoons without Fili, a looming bleak future where happiness had been.

He knew it wasn’t that bad, probably. He would recover, someday. Maybe even get over this crush he had stupidly thought might work out. But none of that felt real then and there, just the pain and hopelessness and he tried not to let the tears fall again, heart still on his sleeve.

It would be for days, he knew, raw and vulnerable and all too easy to bruise. He hated how these moments left him, and he hated himself for getting himself in them in the first place.

“Move over.” Fili suddenly ordered him, eyes intent. Kili did so without thinking twice. He tried to get out in the same movement, limps still stiff and slow, but Fili had joined him under the covers and pulled him back to his chest. The squeak that left him at the sudden contact would have been embarrassing if not for… well, everything.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow, figure out how we can make this work. But I think we could both use some sleep before that, so just relax. You’re safe with me.”

And Kili believed him.

-

It took a year until Kili could pet Lenny, the quietest of Fili’s dogs, without any sign of panic or fear in his eyes. It had taken baby steps, and lots of determination.

Not once had he asked Fili to live without dogs. Fili had considered it - not giving them away, he could never do that to his pack, but not getting any new ones. If they were still going strong a decade later, despite mostly meeting at Kili’s or out in the city, then it would have been worth it.

But Kili had refused to even consider only meeting at his own apartment. Of course they still met there often, especially when any studying needed to be done, or important exams were in their close future.

But Kili came to visit, time and time again, and insisted they push his boundaries until he could handle it, until he could love these dogs instead of fear them.

And it had paid off. Step by slow step. And though Kili didn’t know it, every time he faced his fears Fili fell for him just a bit more. It might have been his smile and bright personality that had first drawn him to his friend, but it was that bravery and loyalty, the sheer stubbornness to be able to share this with Fili, that had made him fall hard.

Kili was the one for him, Fili knew without a doubt. Just as he knew that Kili felt the same - stubborn or not, no one faced such deeply rooted fears and trauma’s without good reason. Finding a decent partner that didn’t happen to be the owner of a pack of dogs would have been a much, much easier route.

But no, Kili persevered, and Fili stayed.

And he already had the ring for the day that Kili felt he was ready to move in, decided he could handle what it would entail. However long in the future that date may be. Fili had always been good at being patient.  
And Kili was more than worth the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](https://patchworkideas.tumblr.com/post/641108142811463680/cynophobia-patchworkideas-the-hobbit-all)


End file.
